Dear ER Patients,
I know that for many of you our ER feels like home as you spend more time here than in your own home I am sure -but there are still rules you must follow. So here is a quick list of absolute "NOs" while you are here in case you have forgotten them in the last 2 days since your last visit.
1. No you may NOT eat Cheetos and drink Pepsi when you are here for Abdominal pain and waiting for your CT scan.. remember you are also nauseated!
2. No you CANNOT bring every person you ever met in your life back to your room. One visitor only, I might allow 2 if I think that paper cut you have warrants a trauma activation!
3. No you may NOT go outside to smoke... if you are well enough to participate in that disgusting habit then I am going to discharge you... and parents please don't make the mistake of asking me to either watch your child who is the pt so you can go smoke or ask if both you and your teen can go smoke... My lecture on your parenting skills will not be sugarcoated, will take time from my very busy caseload, and time away from your smoking as you call my boss with complaints to which she will repeat the NO SMOKING policy.
4. NO I will not watch your child who is my patient while you run an errand, go get something to eat or try and track down your BF who was last seen flirting with the cute chic in the waiting area. You brought your child here because you thought they were sick enough to warrant a 2am ER visit so place your butt on the gurney next to your baby and don't move.
5. I am an ER nurse. I am NOT your secretary..I will NOT take messages for you when someone calls the ER looking for you. I only answer phone calls from other health care workers dealing with my patients. So tell your buddies to save their quarters and use your cellphone. You can check your messages when you are discharged!
6. NO I will not arrange your transportation home. You got yourself here without my help so I am sure you can figure it out in reverse on your own.
7. NO I will not go looking for your missing friend, relative, spouse, SO, partner or whatever you choose to call them this visit... If they wandered off out of boredom and now can't find your room it isn't my problem you should have chosen a smarter more sympathetic person.
8. NO I will not call your medications into the pharmacy so you don't have to wait to get them. And NO I will not fill your narcotic prescription with our Charity Fund.
9. NO I will not get feeble grandma or grandpa out of your car for you.. you got them in you get them out or call 911 they always love that call.
10. And finally I will NOT jump every minute you push your call light. I will get to you in order of priority... please realize that some people actually come here only for TRUE life threatening emergencies and I might be a tad busy with them so that warm blanket you want is going to have to wait, Deal with it!